too much to catch up so i will just list thoughts:
so glad it is friday
haven't seen the boys in 9 days because they had to stay at their dad's house
they had the pigs
learning gets more painful as i get older
I am better at it but the lessons are so much bigger
vacation was really fun
i love roller coasters
winter is here i am both sad and not sad
i am having a good week
the weeks before my last infusion were not good
i am looking forward to going to bed at 9 tonight
i must be old

Eh, I'd just fuck it up anyway.

Damn, it's cold in here. November in San Antonio, when it hovers in that gray area where you can't really turn the A/C off yet, but sometimes it gets really cold inside?! Me no likey. Wish I'd brought my hoodie.

Weird day today. Weird week so far. I have a certain set of emotions that I experience most often, and I am comfortable with them, I know how to handle them. Sometimes I'll get revisited by things I used to feel before meds, when I was a basketcase (and also a teenager, which probably had something to do with it), but that only happens every once in a while and I can recognize it for what it is. Not sure if this is that, or if it's just a different random feeling that I don't normally get.

I want to be selfish about this. I want something for me, something to hold on to and warm me. Now, THAT is not a normal emotion/want for me. I do things on my own. I like it that way. I want it that way. I idolize the unattainable, partially because of the GORGEOUS, but I think mostly because of the unattainableness itself. I can want because I know I'm never going to get.

In the real world, when there's even a small chance that you could have, and then you don't get, that my friends is called rejection. Even if it's not intentional, even if it was all in your head, that's still what it is. I don't particularly like that feeling, therefore, I don't put myself out there to experience it. I'd rather coast through all on my lonesome.

But sometimes I want. Like, right now, for instance. And it's never worked before, and the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome, so I must be crazy. I just won't do anything about it, and hope it blows over like all the other times before.


On the other weird front - jeeeeeezus, I don't even know where to begin. It amazes me sometimes that people can just be so willfully dense...I can't bring the fire of knowledge to all of the unwashed masses! I'm just one person!!


Cats are good, hamster is fine, Austin was awesome, Chris had to pee, Steve is not Cassie, I'm still human because cannibalism still freaks me out, I didn't win McDonald's Monopoly, Mom survived her cruise sans tidal wave, and the world is still turning. Unbelievably.



BTW: 6:12 PM and it's fucking pitch black outside. If I was back home, it would have been this dark about 2 hours ago. :-)

OK ladies, who wants to get naked for xmas??